A Blue Tree Flower (ongoing work in progress)

(conceptualized first in 2005)

 (from 2017-) (follow up to The Alone World Story aka TAWS)

 

the flower spat

on the little girl’s face

told her to leave

 

the flower had always been cruel

 

but

 

finally, the little girl 

was able to see

 

the truth of the flower

and its color

 

its thorns cut

the mother

and made the mother bleed

 

it made the mother bleed

the little girl thought

because it was jealous

 

or maybe

 

there was no real

good reason

 

the little girl

flies across the pond

with her mother

and the little boy with the robot

with red and blue wires.

 

the flower is cruel

 

and every time the little girl blinks

the little flower claims

it is happening again

 

so, the little girl

does her best

not to blink

and her eyes become dry

and tears flow

unbidden

down her cheeks

drowning her face

 

You see,

the little girl

thought the flower

was a daisy

of some sort

 

but when it made

her mother bleed

the little girl

had to face the horrid truth

 

the flower was a rose

a vain

narcissistic

uncaring

traitorous

rose

 

and maybe it was just that

 

maybe it was that simple?

 

how many Cains do you know

and how many Abels?

 

a dead horse

i once heard

 

called

 

liberty?

 

and

i think you’re cool

 

you couldn’t give two shits

 

but i guess that’s cool

 

I mean

you’re only human

 

you’re a person too.

 

Joe the Liar

sits on a park bench

wondering

where every

thing has gone

 

how did it all

get away

from him?

 

the mini-prophet

now

 

gone away

 

so far

 

down

 

she’ll burn

 

she’s going

to burn

 

and no matter how

 

many

 

times

 

she keeps

 

choosing

 

ending in fire

 

and Joe

 

Joe keeps ending up

 

there

 

at that park bench

 

crying over

 

her flower

 

which stands

 

unmoving

unflinching

 

unfeeling?

 

staring back at his half

hidden face.

 

how did this

 

begin?

 

not with Cain

 

no

 

the story stopped

 

with

 

him:

 

John the Bastard

 

it’s a cycle

 

we keep repeating

we think we’re living

 

but it’s just a cycle

 

a circle of bastards

 

repeating the same mistakes

 

no uniqueness here

 

just doppelgängers.

 

That was before we knew the world would burn

And that we would let it.

 

and Dan the Trickster

little god

 

broke into

Joe Nobody’s treasure chest of toys

 

so long ago

 

yet

 

even now

 

he kept the glasses

he stole

 

Joe still remembers

the whispers

 

the glasses

 

they make him see

 

all wrong

 

but they make

 

Joe see right

 

and to me

 

it makes sense

 

childish banter

 

but to Joe

 

these words

these moments will continue

 

haunt him

 

always.

 

and Joe sat

and cried at that bus stop

 

the circle

 

it won’t ever break

 

no matter

 

he’ll find a way back

next time

 

in that time

 

he’ll be faster

stronger

better

smarter

he’ll be good enough

 

he’ll save them

before any thing hurts

them

this time

for real

 

and he cries

he sobs

 

because

he’s forgotten how

his feet are broken

 

his smile

that one-note he could be counted on

always

 

gone.

 

And he knows

he thinks

 

how it all went

wrong.

 

it started with

that door.

 

The white painted door

with the brass (or was it gold looking?)

doorknob

 

he has to get back

to the door

 

try again.

 

Open it.

 

try not to make the same mistake.

 

Don’t look

at the trickster

 

he’ll do it again

 

worm his way

unknowing

 

into you

 

your heart.

 

open the door.

 

Don’t look.

 

It looks like the sun

is coming out of him

 

or maybe Dan is the sun?

 

NO.

 

open the door again.

 

Find it.

 

where did it go?

 

will we ever make our way back?

 

find a way

 

back

 

to that door

and the possibility of

happiness.

 

before it broke

 

before you destroyed

it.

 

we need to protect that door.

 

keep it safe

 

always.

 

Dan the Trickster may break

destroy

the world

 

and we may watch it burn

 

but maybe

 

that is our price.

 

this is the one that led to fire

 

so that other way

 

all of them

 

led to him

you

 

happiness

 

so bright

 

so true

 

it hurts.

 

I sit in front of my computer

like always

 

glare at the camera

 

demand someone

 

anyone

 

would there be

a person looking back?

 

waiting for the word?

 

the little girl

you gave your Madeline watch

 

she was so young

 

where were you?

 

she was skipping class

 

as were you

 

though no one would ever

 

suspect

 

home she said

 

was no place

 

not a place

 

and you thought

 

you understood.

 

but you were wrong.

 

she said she’d cut you if

she found out you were happy

 

you laughed

giggled

 

happiness a prospect

 

you long since

had gone

without.

 

and every lily

what?

you are my lily

you will always be my lily

 

and i know what i am

 

a snake

 

but what is a lily

without his poison?

 

and i will protect you

all my life

 

even after that.

 

i will never give you up.

 

lily

 

how long?

 

how long

till you let me go?

 

lily

 

let me love

 

someone other than you

 

but i cannot

 

lily

 

how much?

 

how many times must i tear out this heart for you?

 

how long

 

how much

 

and i know no matter how long or how much i bleed

 

it will never be enough

 

i can never atone for what i have done

 

i can never atone

for trying to get over you.

 

after all

 

you are

 

ALWAYS.

 

and when that seemed to go

when it seemed to be taken away

 

you come back again

you always do

 

you smile and look at me

with your perfect smile

your smirking face

 

reminding me

 

of the cosmic joke

 

of me and you.

 

Lillian

take this

take this heart.

it will be my eternal sacrifice to you

 

my god.

 

and was that where i went wrong

 

when we were children and played

boys don’t like flowers and they certainly don’t like being named after them

and i am sorry

but you have always been my lily

 

because i can’t touch anyone

i am poison

but if you already had poison in you

we could stay

we could be

 

and you say no

you don’t want to play

poison

 

and i smile

i laugh

 

and i say i know

it’s not a game

 

and you say

i know

and i don’t want it

 

and i say

too bad

it’s yours

has been

will be

 

ALWAYS.

 

you never forgive forgave me

for that.

 

so you

 

want

 

the truth?

all of it?

would you

 

believe me

 

if i

 

told you?

do you

 

know

 

how many

 

times

 

i have cut

 

out my heart

 

for you?

and how many

 

times more?

how much

 

more?

when will

 

i be able

 

to fly

 

again?

return

 

home.

what is that

 

anyways?

home?

a concept

could be

 

a person

 

a place

 

any thing

 

really

it is some thing

 

that calls you

calls to you

reminds you

 

of itself

reminds you

 

of you

gives you hope

makes you dream

 

makes you

 

keep on

 

keeping on

 

no matter what

no matter

because you hope

once more

 

for it

for

home.

 

Lillian

demands a sacrifice

 

he always does

whether he realizes that

or not

 

look

the book of symbols

sings its song

unseen

unheard

 

 

palm upright

hand held out

 

reflecting

begging

 

to teach

please learn

 

but i cannot

 

hear

see

 

i do not know

those notes

 

I never have.

 

and how

poetic

would you

have to be

to believe me?

 

and how

poetic

would i

have to allow

myself to be

to tell you?

 

and how

poetic

would you

have to be

to understand?

 

and how

poetic

would i

have to allow

myself to be

to forgive this?

 

i think it’s time i vomited it all up.

i always hated secrets. not all secrets mind you

but

but

i have always hated those kind

you know the kind

the ones that shouldn’t be kept

the ones that suffocate you

like too much oxygen

or too little.

 

Lillian

 

you tried to rectify

the mistake

you made

when you gave him

that card

 

Liliana of the Veil

 

he didn’t want

it

 

but he also said

no take backs

 

so what

were you

to do?

 

so you called him

Lillian

 

but he saw

through

 

he always did

 

heard the words

you did not say

 

that you refused

to utter

 

lest they make

it

more real

reality

than it should

be

 

he heard

 

lily-of-the-valley

 

and he threw

it

back

 

venom

in his voice

in the sound

in his eyes

in his very

being

 

his venom

clear to the eye

 

he never cried

 

but you always

will imagine

him as the weeping

one

 

though you are

the crying bastard.

 

he imagined

perhaps

wedding bells

in the future

 

but you

saw

it

for what

it

was

 

you saw

the horrid

truth

 

the cosmic joke

 

of us.

 

you (me) and lily

 

we could

never

be.

 

we were

made

apart.

 

you

set up there

somewhere

in clouds

in dreams

 

and i

alone

in the dirt

 

let me face

reality

 

my love

 

may never die

 

but

 

Liliana demands a sacrifice

 

let this be

my sacrifice

never ending

 

take my heart

 

let it be

yours

always

 

yet

 

it already is

 

for your smile

for your eyes

 

i have envisioned

seen

a better world

universe

reality

 

and for you

i will be

brave

 

and for you

i will remain

silent.

 

how long must you have my heart?

 

sometimes

i imagine

 

Liliana whispers

 

ALWAYS.

 

Her name was Skye.

In your dreams in your mind.

 

you imagine sometimes that maybe

life could have turned out differently for you

but you always feel strange

and try to stop the unwanted thoughts from returning

to you it will always be odd to want that

want something different than what you have

something you cannot really understand having

cannot really understand even wanting.

 

and all those words

you heard

 

shouted screamed

 

demanding

you

to listen

 

your ears

pierced

with the sound

 

ringing

 

when i was a child

i heard a bomb go off

 

we were playing soldiers

 

the explosion

 

the sound

 

there was no sound

 

the world shook broke

 

it breaks

you fell to the ground

shrieking tears of fear

shaking

you will never stop shaking

until you

stop

freeze

frozen

seizure

 

mouth frozen

locked shut

 

screams dying

in the back of your throat

 

while the tears flow

unwilling

 

we were children

playing

 

soldier

 

where were you?

 

and

 

and

 

what?

 

we were there

here

everywhere

yet nowhere

 

yet nothing

yet no one

 

just there

we played

in the sand

on the beach

 

our little war

expanding into the universe

 

becoming the only thing that matters

or ever mattered

 

and one day

you will have

it

 

you will have

your prize

 

and i

 

i will burn

end in fire.

 

we all live under the same sky

 

say it

 

at least

once

 

what

do you mean?

 

Dan the trickster

 

my lily

 

one

 

the same

 

 

and i

 

i

go back

 

so many

times

 

to the attic

in the dark

 

you broke

in

 

said you had

 

the key.

 

did you?

 

i was

always

subject

to your deceit

 

the knife

you pulled

 

out

 

familiar

 

too familiar

 

and

 

you ask

 

for it

 

back

 

and

what

was i

 

to do?

 

you

carved

me

 

and

 

i

 

i

carved

you

 

into

 

(or

 

was it

simply

onto?)

 

skin

 

mine seeped

 

deep

 

down

 

into

me

 

my soul

 

(if i

have such

a thing)

 

the scars

healed

 

eventually

 

but

 

the wounds

never did.

 

Dan the trickster

may make

the world burn

 

but

 

what of me?

 

is that

my lot?

 

to simply

sit

watch

 

wonder

at

it

 

the fire

consumes

 

consumed me

 

all my life

 

before

i even was.

 

sometimes

i think

that is my end

 

fire

 

flames

so hot

so bright

 

that even me

 

my godless

soul

 

self

 

may

find

it:

 

the answer

 

to that

eternal question.

 

then i

 

i remember

the knife

 

and i

 

i run back

 

each time

always

 

for you.

 

who once was is now gone

 

in the wilderness

i met her

 

Sandrine

 

she laughed

cackled

her way

through time

 

twisted words

turned conversations

into advantage

 

younger than

she wanted

to be

 

wanted to

never stop

never end

 

we wrote

poetry

together

 

her mediocre life

she turned

into horror

 

my freakish existence

became

fantasy

 

Sandrine

 

who i

in my anger

rage

at her

eventual

betrayal

renamed

Carmen

 

she wanted

to be ghost

 

or that

is what

you mistook

her fascination

for

 

you read her

life

with

those cards

 

it is our sin

 

our sin

 

no one

else’s

 

you worked

blood magic

 

at her

request

 

made a young boy

delve deeper into

a closet

 

even though it

was not willful

 

though you tried

to explain

 

there was

no need

for that

for shame

 

he shrieked

tears of rage

streaming

down

 

and you

ran to the cabin

 

tried to reason

 

Sandrine

 

never listened

 

she wanted you

 

invoke the daemons

she says

 

you laugh

daemons

do not

exist

 

she twists

smiles

says

then you have

nothing

to fear

 

so you do

 

but sceptic

that you are

 

you lie

 

give a false name

in place

of your own

 

Sandrine

watches

 

it seems

to work

 

fuel to the rage

the darkness

building

in and around

her

 

she claims

she is a vampyr

 

this is our

final straw

 

her words

annoy you

 

i tell her

she is

a migraine

 

not what

i meant

to say

 

but words

i cannot

bother to take

back

 

she follows you

 

out into the trees

 

you try to lose

her

 

but then the brown wolf

appears

 

she sees you

 

as you laugh

run with it

wild childe

you are

 

she rages

 

runs to you

calls you fool

 

you have long since

forgotten her

 

maybe that

was it

 

the moment

she became Carmen

 

years hence

 

you will

eventually

wonder

 

where that

wide eyed girl

went

 

the one you told

ghost stories to

by the campfire

 

who you created universes for

 

it was our sin

 

Sandrine

 

became the dark

 

the Dark One

 

she always feared

 

you don’t know

how to fix it

 

but is that

not the point?

 

broken things

 

broken girls

like we once

were

 

Sandrine

while broken

too

was not

like you

 

did not have

the will

the strength

 

to withstand

the world

 

so she withered

away

 

you walked away

 

and when you thought

to look back

 

the broken doll

you told to wait

 

that broken girl

who dared to dream

in muted colors

 

was no more

 

try to laugh

it away

 

bring her back

 

Sandrine

 

but those eyes

have long since

lost their spark

 

and because of us

 

because of our sin

 

the lady in red

 

Carmen

 

was borne.

 

i wake

 

screaming

 

and the nightmares

 

Nightmare Men

 

though long gone

 

live inside

 

me

 

now

 

i look

 

back

 

realize this

 

no matter

 

how hard

 

i try

 

i fight

 

the darkness

 

it lives

 

inside

 

poison

 

that is

 

what i

 

am

 

i destroy

 

every thing

 

every one

 

all that i touch

 

withers

 

and

 

eventually

 

you will

 

too

 

and i

 

have

 

long since

 

learned

 

silence

 

but that does not

 

change

 

what we are

 

poison

 

defined by

 

sin

 

our wicked

 

tongue

 

snake

 

they said

 

called us

 

the Dark One

 

we simply

 

looked back

 

what was there

 

to say?

 

all the rest

 

was true

 

so why not

 

that too?

 

creating universes

 

we created god

 

all of them

 

and when

 

it

 

came time

 

to kneel

 

we had gone

 

so far

 

gone

 

i hear

 

the screams

 

of those

 

who listened

 

who believed

 

i want to

 

reach out

 

speak

 

but remember

 

we were born

 

poison

 

and

 

i will protect

 

this

 

our sin

 

our salvation

 

i will walk

 

away

 

so that

 

the poison

 

in me

 

does not

 

become

 

yours

 

i saw you

 

as i walked

 

reminded me

 

so much

 

of him

 

and i could not

 

help

 

but smile

 

i kept on

 

walked on

 

did not

 

reach out

 

though the impulse

 

was there

 

i look back

 

with strange eyes

 

i regret

 

never knowing

 

you

 

i regret

 

i wish

 

but then

 

i remember

 

the smile

 

on your face

 

it was/is

 

without

 

reservations

 

nothing to weigh

 

it

 

down

 

unlike

 

me

 

unlike him

 

the Nightmare Men

 

have no hold

 

over you

 

and i may be

 

poison

 

he may be

 

dirt

 

but somehow

 

away from

 

us

 

without

 

us

 

the closest thing

 

to home

 

was made

 

i still walk

 

maybe i

 

always will

 

i don’t look

 

over

 

i don’t try

 

to find

 

that smile

 

i never will

 

lest it break

 

become like

 

mine

 

a sad

 

facsimile

 

of what

 

it should be

 

poison

 

still

 

inside

 

poison

 

thoughts

 

will it ever

 

stop?

 

i try

 

to smile

 

like you

 

it looks

 

like a grimace

 

and that is

 

my answer

 

i want to

 

run

 

hide my

 

broken self

 

away

 

irrational

 

after all

 

you don’t know

 

no pain

 

nothing

 

your eyes

 

unlike his

 

unlike mine

 

no shadow

 

brokenness

 

hidden away

 

it hurts

 

but

 

that is okay

 

remember

 

poison

 

is what

 

i am

 

i would

 

break you

 

taint you

 

destroy that smile

 

i remind myself

 

each time

 

i walk

 

don’t run

 

don’t hide

 

no tears

 

no more

 

this was

 

our choice

 

the one good thing

 

i may have done

 

and the brokenness

 

in me

 

latches hold

 

reminds me

 

every time

 

a mantra

 

that someday

 

will not hurt

 

just be

 

heard

 

and all this

 

walking

 

will feel less

 

like running

 

we were young

 

little broken things

 

and

 

now

 

i walk by

 

as he shouts

 

of me

 

he does not come

 

when i call

 

we are old

 

still broken

 

and i

 

have become

 

that

 

i never was.

 

poison

 

what

 

don’t be

 

silly

 

poison

 

is

 

just that

 

poison

 

can’t be

 

no matter

 

little it

 

little me

 

keep playing

 

at being

 

no one will

 

notice

 

look up

 

pray

 

play at it

 

maybe then

 

the strings

 

will

 

go away

 

little puppet

 

with

 

wooden hands

 

wooden feet

 

i just wanted

 

home

 

i’ll just admit

 

it

 

i knew

 

it wasn’t

 

there

 

anywhere

 

after all,

 

its

 

things like me

 

we don’t have that

 

never could

 

it probably was never possible.

 

where will you rest?

 

i don’t

 

remember

 

why

 

i thought

 

stories

 

myths

 

any thing

 

really

 

mattered

 

i don’t

 

know

 

why

 

but

 

i know

 

stories

 

myths

 

matter

 

when all is gone

 

lost

 

burned

 

to dust

 

all that

 

stories

 

myths

 

the world

 

it’s nothing

 

without

 

our noise

 

our sound

 

each and every

 

thing.

 

 

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