smile man

i wake

screaming

and the nightmares

Nightmare Men

though long gone

live inside

me

now

i look

back

realize this

no matter

how hard

i try

i fight

the darkness

it lives

inside

poison

that is

what i

am

i destroy

every thing

every one

all that i touch

withers

and

eventually

you will

too

and i

have

long since

learned

silence

but that does not

change

what we are

poison

defined by

sin

our wicked

tongue

snake

they said

called us

the Dark One

we simply

looked back

what was there

to say?

all the rest

was true

so why not

that too?

creating universes

we created god

all of them

and when

it

came time

to kneel

we had gone

so far

gone

i hear

the screams

of those

who listened

who believed

i want to

reach out

speak

but remember

we were born

poison

and

i will protect

this

our sin

our salvation

i will walk

away

so that

the poison

in me

does not

become

yours

i saw you

as i walked

reminded me

so much

of him

and i could not

help

but smile

i kept on

walked on

did not

reach out

though the impulse

was there

i look back

with strange eyes

i regret

never knowing

you

i regret

i wish

but then

i remember

the smile

on your face

it was/is

without

reservations

nothing to weigh

it

down

unlike

me

unlike him

the Nightmare Men

have no hold

over you

and i may be

poison

he may be

dirt

but somehow

away from

us

without

us

the closest thing

to home

was made

i still walk

maybe i

always will

i don’t look

over

i don’t try

to find

that smile

i never will

lest it break

become like

mine

a sad

facsimile

of what

it should be

poison

still

inside

poison

thoughts

will it ever

stop?

i try

to smile

like you

it looks

like a grimace

and that is

my answer

i want to

run

hide my

broken self

away

irrational

after all

you don’t know

no pain

nothing

your eyes

unlike his

unlike mine

no shadow

brokenness

hidden away

it hurts

but

that is okay

remember

poison

is what

i am

i would

break you

taint you

destroy that smile

i remind myself

each time

i walk

 

don’t run

don’t hide

no tears

no more

this was

our choice

the one good thing i may have done

and the brokenness

in me

latches hold

reminds me

every time

a mantra

that someday will not hurt

just be

heard

and all this

walking

will feel less

like running

we were young

little broken things

and now

i walk by

as he shouts

of me

he does not come

when i call

we are old

still broken

and i

have become that

i never was.

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